I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
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Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!