The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
You Might Also Like
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.