I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
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Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Who’s your best friend?
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.