I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
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Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..