“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
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“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
the rocks need my help
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*