We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
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I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
🤣could you imagine
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
What personal space?
My dog
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave