[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
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Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.