Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
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Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
This was my dad’s browser history.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
This will never not be funny to me.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things