Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
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the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed