I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
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Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.