My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
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The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter