[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
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On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
My circle of trust is a meatball
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.