“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
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My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?