Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
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noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Not my job 😂
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Effort made
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
necessity is the mother of invention
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.