If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
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If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
want me to check your oil?
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
good work, detective
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then