me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
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I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
is this how new cars are made??
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
The best shot in the history of golf
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
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Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.