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[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
TRAIN’S HERE
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.