Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
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He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
just witnessed a drug deal
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
fired