I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
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From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
I have a place for everything. The floor.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…