definitely did not do anything wrong
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If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
the noise i just made