Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
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Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather