I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
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What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
The absolute effort that went into this omg
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.