(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
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Harsh but fair
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*