*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
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Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila