a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
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Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Yeah. This was me today.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Bike is short for Bichael.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?