ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
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A bold strategy
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.