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Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time