Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
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Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.