I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
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Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
#Caturday
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.