Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
You Might Also Like
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Yep.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud