I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
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What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
was Jim off killing horses or…
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.