its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
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me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.