no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
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SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.