My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
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I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Don’t talk down to me
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*