I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
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I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org