I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
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“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
dutch is not a serious language