Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
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I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
ok like just. call me at this point
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.