[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
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Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Ok but actually
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now