Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
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Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
kevin is now a local weatherman