Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
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This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.