I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
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I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.