I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
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Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married