guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
You Might Also Like
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.