The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
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Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Fiction has to make sense.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.