My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
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14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?