What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
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10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?