When customers come in 6 hours before closing
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men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
I’m tired tomorrow.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.