[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
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“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
My work here is don’t.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]