My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
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every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities