Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
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Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
I’m giving up for Lent.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.